Conflict is inevitable. No matter how much we try to avoid it—by people-pleasing, withdrawing, or trying to “win” arguments—we often find ourselves stuck in the same cycles of frustration and disconnection.
But what if conflict wasn’t something to fear or control? What if, instead, it was an opportunity to deepen our connection with ourselves and our partners?
As a Certified EMDR therapist and IFS-informed practitioner, I’ve seen firsthand how one simple shift—approaching conflict with curiosity rather than defensiveness—can transform the entire dynamic of a relationship.
Curiosity allows us to pause, regulate our emotions, and explore the deeper meaning behind our reactions and our partner’s behavior. It shifts us from reacting impulsively to responding thoughtfully.
Handling Conflict in Romantic Relationships
Conflicts in relationships are often about unmet needs, unspoken fears, and emotional wounds from the past. When we react defensively, we often miss the deeper emotions at play.
Here are six common relationship conflicts and how curiosity can help transform them.
1. The “You Are Complicating Things” Conflict
Your partner is expressing a concern—maybe about finances, parenting, or a personal struggle. You try to offer a quick solution, but they keep explaining why it’s not that simple. Frustrated, you say:
“Why do you have to make everything so complicated? Just let it go.”
Your partner, feeling dismissed, shuts down or gets defensive:
“I’m not making it complicated. You just don’t get it!”
🔹 Curiosity Shift:
• Instead of dismissing, explore. Ask, “What about this feels complicated for you?”
• Acknowledge their emotions. Even if the issue seems simple to you, it might feel overwhelming for them.
🤍 A more curious response could be:
“I can see this is really important to you. Can you help me understand what feels so challenging?”
This opens space for connection rather than invalidation.
2. The “You Are Not Trying Enough” Conflict
You feel like you’re putting in all the effort—whether in communication, emotional support, or household responsibilities—and your partner isn’t meeting you halfway. Frustrated, you say:
“I’m always the one trying! You don’t put in the effort.”
Your partner, feeling attacked, might withdraw or counterattack:
“That’s not true! I do plenty, but you never notice.”
🔹 Curiosity Shift:
• Instead of accusing, express your need. Instead of saying, “You never try,” reframe it as “I feel alone in this.”
• Get curious about their perspective. Ask, “How do you see the effort we both put in?”
🤍A softer approach could be:
“I feel like I’m carrying a lot of the emotional load in our relationship, and I don’t want to feel resentful. Can we talk about ways to feel more balanced?”
This approach invites collaboration rather than defensiveness.
3. The “You Are Not Acting from Love” Conflict
In an emotional moment, you feel hurt by something your partner said or did. Instead of expressing your hurt, you say:
“If you really loved me, you wouldn’t act like this.”
Your partner feels misunderstood or judged and responds defensively:
“That’s not fair! Just because I don’t do things your way doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”
🔹 Curiosity Shift:
• Recognize the underlying emotion. Often, this conflict stems from feeling unloved or unseen, not a lack of actual love.
• Express vulnerability instead of blame. Instead of questioning their love, share your feelings: “When you did ____, I felt distant from you.”
🤍A more constructive approach:
“I know you love me, but when you don’t check in with me, I feel unimportant. Can we talk about ways to stay more connected?”
This shift creates space for reassurance rather than defensiveness.
4. The “You Never Help Around the House” Conflict
You’re overwhelmed with chores and responsibilities, and your partner isn’t pulling their weight. Frustrated, you blurt out:
“You never help around the house! I have to do everything myself.”
Your partner, feeling attacked, responds with:
“That’s not true! You don’t see what I do.”
🔹 Curiosity Shift:
• Pause and identify what you really need. Is it about chores, or is it about feeling unsupported?
• Invite a conversation rather than blame. Instead of “You never help,” try “I’m feeling overwhelmed. Can we figure out a way to share tasks more evenly?”
This encourages partnership rather than resentment.
5. The “You Don’t Listen to Me” Conflict
You’re sharing something important, and your partner is distracted—maybe looking at their phone or multitasking. Frustrated, you say:
“You never listen to me. You don’t care.”
Your partner sighs and responds defensively:
“That’s not true. I’m just busy. Why do you always overreact?”
🔹 Curiosity Shift:
• Instead of assuming they don’t care, check in. Ask, “Is this a bad time for you to talk?”
• Express how it makes you feel. Instead of “You never listen,” try “I feel disconnected when I don’t feel heard.”
🤍 A more open response:
“I know you’re busy, but when I’m sharing something and you’re on your phone, I feel like what I’m saying doesn’t matter. Can we set aside time to really talk?”
This invites understanding rather than frustration.
6. The “You’re Always Late” Conflict
Your partner is late for plans—again—and you’re fuming. When they arrive, you say:
“You’re so inconsiderate! You never respect my time.”
Your partner, feeling blamed, gets defensive:
“I got stuck in traffic! It’s not my fault.”
🔹 Curiosity Shift:
• Instead of attacking, express your feelings. Instead of “You never respect me,” try “I feel unimportant when I’m waiting.”
• Explore solutions together. Ask, “Is there something we can do to make it easier for you to be on time?”
🤍 A more constructive approach:
“It means a lot to me when we honor our plans. I know things happen, but can we figure out a way to avoid this frustration?”
This shifts the conversation from blame to problem-solving.
Cultivating Curiosity in Conflict
1. Pause before reacting. When triggered, take a deep breath and ask yourself, “What’s really bothering me?”
2. Reframe accusations as invitations. Instead of “You never…,” try “Can we talk about how we can improve this?”
3. Get curious about their experience. Ask, “How do you see this situation?”
4. Express vulnerability, not blame. Instead of “You don’t love me,” try “I feel disconnected when…”
5. Self-reflect. Are past wounds affecting your reaction? Are you assuming the worst?
Ready to Transform Conflict Into Connection?
Conflict doesn’t have to divide—it can deepen intimacy and understanding when approached with curiosity and care.
As a Certified EMDR therapist and IFS-informed practitioner, I help individuals and couples break free from reactive patterns and build healthier communication.
🤍Your relationship doesn’t have to be a battleground—it can be a place of deeper connection and love.
Rhina Lovo, PhD
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